PYHO: Real Emotions

Apparently, it isn't ADD.  The doctor is ready to phone in an Rx for anti-depressants at any time(if I decide they are right for me, I can call him without having to go in).  I am not comfortable with this.  I find a lot of logical and physiological contradictions in the use of anti-depressants for people who are simply stressed more than the average for longer than is okay.

The meds are a miracle of modern medicine, but not everyone needs a miracle.  For those who do need a miracle, they are an important part of life.  And Tom Cruise those who have never needed them have no right to judge or condemn their use.*

I have taken anti depressant medication before.  That is how I know I am still in a place where the trade off is not worth it.  For me.  Right now.

I love nothing more than a laugh and I couldn't feel the laugh. I could stand off to the side and think, "That is really funny." But I couldn't feel it. Which tells me that there were other things I wasn't feeling.  Apparently, if you don't feel the sad, you don't get the happy either. You get the middle; neither happy nor sad.

My philosophical position on my own personal situation has changed, and I am not at all uncomfortable or ashamed to hold that position:

God made our emotions for a purpose.  Scripture shows Jesus in the negatives as well as the positives and the heroes of the Old Testament in all sorts of crazy.  There are signals in emotions that are meant to be examined.  What do I fear?  What frustrates me?  What do I crave?  What gives me peace, love, hope, or joy?  What just pisses me off?  Do I laugh at appropriate things-- kids playing or a good joke?  Or inappropriate things-- funerals or finding out a friend's relationship has ended?

These kinds of questions and answers help us care for ourselves and others and manage our lives.  When we turn off the mechanisms that help us feel, there better be a really good reason why. 

The stress here has been going for a long time. Even before we moved to [Little City] from [Big City], a friend told me, "If I had the kind of stress you have I would have a breakdown." That was seven or eight years ago.

A whisper is on the wind.  The possibility of change.  For Mother's Day, I get to visit with my best friend.  She might be moving near.  Both husbands are telling us not to run ahead of the Lord, but we are busily creating a WWCMD (What Would C and Maggie Do?) bracelet for the Jesus to wear.  Just kidding.

I am not there yet.

Today, I am Pouring My Heart Out @ Things I Can't Say.


Shell said...

That would be so exciting if your friend moved closer!

Good luck making the right decision with the meds!

Rach (DonutsMama) said...

So sorry you are going through this. Change is so hard and emotions can really grab hold of you in unexpected (sometimes unwanted) ways.

Renee said...

Listening to your emotions and understanding why you feel the way you do isn't always easy. But with God leading the way, you are sure to become the person He wants you to be!

amygrew said...

I am sure you will figure out what will work best for you.

So exciting to have your friend live closer!

Jennifer said...

I was on Zoloft after Bud was born and I stopped for that very reason. I wasn't anxious all the time, but I one morning I woke up and I realized I wasn't anything. I was just there. I think there are really good reasons to take it, and really good reasons not to. I'm glad you know the difference.

Mrs Montoya said...

Stress can be an evil beast. I admire you for trying to face it so boldly and making yourself better in the process. Much luck to you as you press along and figure out what works best for your situation. Great PYHO

Kim said...

I agree that it is none of anyone's business what is best for a person. I hope you choose the right path for you. I've heard so many close family and friends rave about antidepressants that helped them. But you have a great point about wanting to feel all of your feelings.

Heather said...

Stress is so hard. Sometimes we don't realize how stressed we are until we crack.

Enjoy your friend this weekend and you will figure this out. Friends are good like that.

Annie said...

This post is so dead on!! I have struggled with my emotions and my relationship with God. I know he made me and this is a fallen world. I hate that i feel the way I feel sometimes. I just want to be joyful all the time. I want to raise my hands to heaven and revel in his Glory. But then I just don't feel like it. I have days where I could care less and it sucks.

I hate it. I hate that I have days where the world is terrible and days where I am singing his praises from the rooftops. I want to be praising him all the time, no matter what.

I am praying for you!! I pray that God brings you closer to him and teaches you some amazing things about his grace and mercy through this time.

(And my PYHO blog is not in my google profile. It's www.AnniesHeart.com)

Unknown said...

Maggie, I'm definitely gonna pray for less stress in your life. And maybe once you make the bracelet you can send me one too? :)

Anonymous said...

Maggie, do whatever you need to do be healthy...and cope...and take care of your family.

Anonymous said...

I wish you luck in your decision. I know at one time antidepressants were a literal lifesaver for me. We were looking to buy our first out, my brother in law would not move out of our house until the last minute. We would be looking at houses that had HOLES in the roof and I would sob if we didn't put an offer on it. For that time, for me they were helpful.

Having your best friend move closer will be a blessing for you. Something about a best friend that helps to make ones world a little bit brighter.

Thank you for stopping by my blog today. :)

Leslie, The Cleaning Coach said...

Before you turn to drugs - read the Amen Solution. No it's not about praying for results (although I'd do that too) but he talks about how you should eat for a healthy brain. I got it from our library - there were 45 others waiting for the book when I returned it. Very sound information!

Heather H said...

I am certainly not knocking your decision not to go on antidepressants, but as someone who knows where you are coming from, can I share a little information?

I went on Paxil in college, and I had the "no sads but no happies either" and when I went off them I swore "never again!" Skipping the middle of the story, I did end up on them again but I told my doctor "No Paxil!" I am now on Pristiq and it has made all the difference! I still feel all my emotions (happy and sad), but the sads are not unbearable anymore.

The doctor (love her!) explained that Paxil & Prozac & other drugs in that "family" are mood stabilizers -- they bring up your lows but they also bring down your highs. Hence the lack of happiness and in my case, zombie like state. Pristiq & other drugs in its "family" are mood elevators - they bring up your lows...and that's it. Paxil & Prozac are good for people who have manic episodes as well as depressive episodes. If you aren't having manic episodes, that may not be the family of drugs for you. Something from another family of drugs (such as Pristiq) may work better for you.

My point is just that there are options for anti-depressants, and just because one family of drugs didn't work for you doesn't mean another won't. If you ever get to the point where you really feel the need for medication to help you get through it, please consider talking to your doctor about something other than what you were on before.

And please don't think I am trying to talk you into going on medication. I admire if you can handle it on your own (I wanted to also and was very hesitant to go back on medication), but if you do decide you need help, please know that not every anti-depressant will have the same effect on you that the last one did. You may be able to find something that works better for you.

Good luck and hugs to you!