You Kiss Me with That Mouth? #momfail

Grace is the word for the day.

For all of us.

Particularly, me.  Who received a lovely compliment in the form of a link on FB, which in a moment of unguarded sonambulism...allowed in my timeline.  Which wouldn't be a problem, except for one thing.

I write at "PG-13", content and vocabulary-wise.  While the majority of my IRL friends watch PG-13 and rated R movies.  They would not allow someone to come into their homes and speak to their children in that fashion.

I respect their preferences, so I have a separate FB identity for linking the blog.  I admit it is a hassle and I am not all that good with it.

Which obviously, no longer matters, since I busted myself out while patting my own back.  In my sleep.

The figurative bounce down the stairs on my tailbone wasn't finished.

The other night, the kids and I hung out with friends.  One hazard of homeschooling is the attitiude of "school night; schmool night." with regard to bedtimes on weeknights when something fun is on tap.  The 14yo girls contingent ran off and we heard a lot of marginally wicked stuff, but not anything alarming and the dads ran off and the little boys played knee ball.  Until.  Midnight.

Blah blah blah

We run into these friends last night.  They told a cute story that ended up with something being revealed that I had heard about from one of my daughters about the other, but long story short, my children are using PG-13 language to offend their friends.

Deserve it?

I do.

In trouble?

Believe me, if I could figure out anything that wasn't soaked in double standard, they would be.  But I can't.

Remember?  Grace is the word of the day.

They showed grace to me.

Their daughter showed grace to mine.

I am struggling to extend grace to myself for raising girls with the mouth of a longshoreman.

For having to redefine dreams.

For realizing that there are other moms of 14 year-olds who are dealing with MUCH worse than this.

For realizing I can't be mad at my kids for being a mirror of who I am.


What I believe is what determines my behavior.


Thinking before I speak?

I have almost none.


Here on Walton's *stinking* Mountain.

Right now is grace to them.

They don't realize I know, yet...

while I ride them per usual about leaving co-op work until the day before,

while I prepare foods they feel too good to consume,

while I prepare for an evening where they get all caffeine -d up and spend the night yelling, because they can't control themselves,

until I can handle it once and be done.

Interestingly, this happens on a week when we had a meeting at church and discussed how some women feel isolated.  They get the feeling everyone else is perfect and if people really knew their "business", they would not be considered good enough to be friends with.  Okay, that doesn't sound quite right. I keep trying to fix it, and that's what I mean.  The point is: we were able to have the meeting.  In some places, that meeting doesn't take place.  Not everyone loved it.  Not everyone shared.

You see, now my friends know I am faking to their faces.  My kids are only behaving as they have seen me behave and they know I would not approve.  But as long as I don't know... (where could they have learned that?)

Bottom line.  Time has run out for being who I want people to believe I am.  I'm outed.  Wish it were on something like how great a writer I am or that I am the real D.B. Cooper.

There's not much telling how long this has been going on or what else the little beauties think is honoring to themselves and their family.  (tongue so far in cheek I am almost to choke).  I raised kids who aren't smart enough to know that tells who they are.  There's no way out of my responsibility for my disappointment in this case.


Grace or no grace.


Pick: A Young Man's Guide to Love

It's nearly Valentine's Day.  The day of....romance.

We all understand that Valentine's Day isn't reeeeeally for Mom's to give cards to their children.  They have birthdays.  It isn't reeeeeally for husbands to give cards to their wives, because they would have to buy it themselves have anniversaries.  So by extension...

Valentine's Day is for people who are or would like to be Sweethearts.

(This in no way lets the husband off the hook for bringing the Valentine's Day Noise.  However.  That is a topic for another day.)


"A young man's thoughts turn to love."

Too bad for him.


1) She's 14.  You have a lot of time to think this over and decide if I, Their dad, They, She is worth the trouble. Back. Up. Off.

2)  If you can't tell them apart, you don't know who you are attracted to.  If you can't declare a name. you are not ready to date my daughter.  But again, you have plenty of time to figure out who is who.

3) Introduce yourself to their daddy. If you are really even just their friend, you should be polite.  One man failed to do this, and I am still hearing about it. It is key that you not make more work for me in the husband/father management department.  I can sabotage you... something about a rash...

Moving on.

4) You have a couple of years to practice Facebook awareness.  Clean up that page and have fewer pictures of yourself smelling the hair of girls in expensive gowns.  Who are you posting for? Clearly, not your mother.  A girl doesn't want to be just a face in the crowd.  (see rule 2)

Loathe as parents are to admit it, we WILL be stalking you on Facebook.  They should call it Characterbook.  Your timeline shows the real you like you are standing naked in the room.  Man up. Quit giggling and listen. We can tell the main thing in your life by the way you run your page.

5)   Think forward.  Be nice to her little bro. By the time she can date, Little Dude will be able to spy on you, sabotage you, let the air out of your tires or spill hot coffee on your crotch.  She doesn't think a lot of him; if she is telling you to be nice, you best do it.  Make friends with him first.  It will melt her stony heart.

6)  It's only fair to warn you, we aren't "date as many people as you can possibly get to sign your dance card" people.  We are "don't go out with anyone who is not a reasonable choice for a mate; whether it works out or not" people.  If you are planning to keep your options open, there are a lot of girls out there whose parents only require that you come to the door to pick her up.  Break their hearts. We haven't got time for the pain.

7) Grass grows everywhere.  This man works so hard, he doesn't need to be climbing on roofs and cleaning gutters.  There is no reason that when you finish at your house, you can't amble by here.  Mickey's hands need never touch the "self-propel" handle.

Only if you are interested.

8) There is at least one man ahead of you.  When he sees me he says, "Hello, How are you doing today?" He treats me like a friend of his mom's, which I am.  I am a friend of your mom's, too.  I am a friend of your mom's who has a lot of stuff that needs carrying to the car.

I am SO not kidding.

9)  You would do well to study up on Architecture and take a golf lesson.  You are going to have to visit with the dad.  He knows what goes through your mind.  Bad for you.  He was 17 once.  You have your work cut out.  You will probably watch a lot of movies and sports with him before you EVER get to be alone with his daughter. 

10)  Her sister.  She will always come first.  If she doesn't like you, you are toast.  Burned toast.  Cut, burnt toast.

11)  We are old school.  You may assume that the TELEPHONE is working at our house.  You are invited to treat this human being like a lady and have an actual spoken conversation with her.  If you don't care to do that, you don't care enough.  Text is for telling husbands to bring home milk and wives that you cannot tell time will be late. You may even feel free to call her dad on the phone and ask him if you can bring a pizzas over and watch the movies with him on Friday.


12) This is my treasure.  Right up behind Jesus.  If she isn't the same for you, keep searching.  If she is worth it, a short set of rules is a small price to pay.  Jacob worked 14 years for the woman he loved... And as long as she lives under our roof, we are going to be helping her discern the Best from the Good Enough.

Keep your mouth shut and your eyes and heart open.  Know all about her when you walk up to her the first time.  (Not in a crazy stalker-y way...in a good time management way)  And there is plenty of time.

Happy Valentine's Day.  In 2014.


I am sharing my awesome with Momma Made It Look Easy.

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Friendship, Fear and Trepidation...

Most of this was written on January 18


Okay, first of all, let me just say!!!

This internet strike is happening on my birthday.

I have two friends who are having major life drama.  On my birthday.

Today is the 5th anniversary of my cousin's death.

I am 45 years-old and still think it is all about me.  On my birthday.

That is now off my chest.  No, I mean it.  It completely is, and y'all know the drill.  Blogging is free therapy.   Seriously.

Because I love you and I want to be entirely honest, I will tell you.  When you are just about to be old, gifts stop being whatever is on your list, and start being intangibles.

Loving that pair of boots?  Go ahead and get them.  You are getting love for Christmas and your birthday.  This is not a complaint.  You are getting love and boots.  It's a good thing.

I have been hinting, so I will just tell you all I have been blessed with... Just like a kid coming back to school from Christmas Winter, wait...NO... Christmas break and  having to write a Theme.  I am going to tell you what I got for Christmas and my birthday.

Bah.  Ha.  Ha.

#1  A Tiara...  I am fascinated by  what causes someone to fall in love.  Having known each other in the blog for just a minute, Carrie reminded me of who I am and what I am worth by sending me an actual crown in the real life mail. And a very speical card. Like people used to do.  Back when f*ceb**k didn't exist and the word 'friend' meant something.

#2  An IRL friend made Christmas possible for my kids.  I am not sure what we would have done otherwise.  Probably jacked up some credit cards, like idiots.  It was a sacrifice for them.  Seriously, y'all.  Just like, Jesus' love.  We didn't earn it and don't deserve it.  Can't really explain it.  Thanks are not, either, enough.

#3  How do you explain?  Some folk appeared out of nowhere. Incredibly fun, generous, challenging people.
A conversation in August, that retreat in October, um...friendship.  Sheesh.  It's that thing again.  How do you explain when someone just ambles into your life and starts loving you.  And it's a couple friends thing.  Does anyone else get silly and, like, all middle school crushy...about your couple friends?

Probably, that's just us.

We know they already have everyone someone else, but it's not out of the question for me to go all Tayl*r Sw*ft on them... I would have to lose about 85 pounds or, alternatively, while I am  already being creepy, I could just send T.S. some sandwiches.  In the mail.

#4  People keep giving us clothes.  The girls and I don't have to dress like it is an office or wear uniforms.  Marcus is taken care of. It hasn't been in the budget and some really cool women with some incredible taste have been cleaning out their closets.

#5  Since, "the merger", Mickey has gotten two messages.  They didn't have not one single thing to do with me.  They just gave me courage. Both of them do what I do all the time,  Remind him how good he is at his job; but, much like your mom telling you you're beautiful, it comes from someone who doesn't HAVE to say it.  (Perhaps, you know me well enough by now that you know that I don't say anything if I feel I have to. [I digress.]) I really wish I could elaborate.  REALLY.

#6  Okay...I just struggle to title my posts.  You are wondering this whole time, "What in the world? How many times have I explained SEO to her?  Oh my GOSH!"  So there was a reason and here it is...

I'm Going, Y'all! - Blissdom

Jennifer, from Momma Made It Look Easy, mentioned way back in the summer that she was going to Blissdom.  Well, her plans changed.  She passed her registration along to me. And again, I am blown away.

 I have never been to a blog conference, and I am trying to study up. I am scared.  Will I be the frumpiest?  Is there an award for that?  I am sure to be among the oldest.  The website says that crying in the restroom is not allowed.  What is the penalty for that?  What if I am not computer-y enough?  What if people laugh at my gigantic-butt, ancient, carved-from-stone laptop?  Seriously.

I need to get down to the serious business of putting to bed my commitments for the three days of conference, praying that my husband's bat-poo crazy, work life doesn't come up with some fabricated obstacle; and asking for the grace to plan my outfits, food and budget to disguise the fact that I haven't been out of my house for 12 years.  It is with a certain amount of fear and trepidation that I tell you...

I am 'geeked'.

And overwhelmed.


Thank you, Jennifer.

Thank you, all of my friends the hands and feet of God's extravagant love in my life.

I'm such a dork.

I'm sharing my Awesome with Jennifer.  You should too.

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Don't Like the Story? Stay Tuned; It Will Change.

In the previous post, I referred to a new willingness to trust God in a way I hadn't been.


Now, look.

The point is, when you tell Him that kind of thing, a lot of people might think you are asking for it.

Here is what He will do...

1)  He will lead you down a road you didn't know existed, but He had been constructing for months.

when Mickey returned to the office after the holiday his firm had merged.

2) He will cause you to notice all the signs along the way.  That you had overlooked when you were digging for toll money.

That morning in my study, I felt strongly about one answer to a question that said, God would be able to move in our lives if we'd get out of His road and let Him.  I knew it would be soon.

3) Just when you think there are probably no more surprises, and now it is another excruciating wait until you find out the conclusion of this chapter that could go all good or all bad, there is another surprise.

While we knew that none of this mess had gone unnoticed by a loving and generous Father whose timing is never wrong; it turned out that it had also not escaped the attention of other people, who, if they can't do anything about it can at least affirm and support.

Extra bonus:  Mickey gets off the phone and says, " [Dude] said everything you have been saying the whole time."  Folks, I am not mad.  I am in my house with my kids, my training is in Education, not Business or whatever.  The other guy...decent Arghitect.  (I just invented that word.)

4) The surprise that looks juicy and would make the obvious, quick, neat & tidy, happily ever after to this story, turns out to be just another in a list of possibilities that look...okay.

 5)Again, He shows you, "See what I have been doing up to now? Am I going to follow through?"

Y'all, just every day and hour, I am grateful.  I have PMS, I have been forgetting to take my supplements.  Friday was a rude re-entry into the rude routine.  But peaceful as after the kids go to bed.

6) And when you heave a sigh of relief, "BAM."  Another Confetti-Cannon-of-"What-In-The-World?"...

Friends...real friends...so much more than I deserve.

I prayed some weird prayers in December: "God, I want to feel."  "Father, Help me be more fun for my family."  I told Him I was trusting Him.  No matter what.  I do my job, and He does His.

I am sharing my Awesome with Jennifer@Momma Made It Look Easy.

Share Your Awesome


Indelicate Subject Thursday: Wastefulness.

...warning: for reasons that remain unclear, I have not been able to rest until I explored this topic with my blog friends.  However, the squeamish and those whose 4th -8th graders may read over their shoulders, may wish to return to the blog on another day. 

One aspect of my daily life about which I have been fairly silent, is my interest in natural remedies.  I enjoy learning natural non-pharmaceutical ways of treating common concerns.  Not limited to chiropractic and dietary supplements, there is also, hydrotherapy (long hot soak in the bath, anyone?) bodywork (massage?) and a variety of ways of cleansing and purifying the body's tissues and internal organs in order to help us feel our best.

So I own this book that I refer to as "The Big Book of Refuses to Go to the Doctor".  It has a listing of supplements with their benefits and side effects, a section with conditions and their causes and treatments, and an alternative therapies section with a guide to doing them safely at home (like, color therapy or fasting, for example).

Deep in the nether regions of this massive tome (my first car was smaller) there is a section on...


(...this is the reason I am not a nurse)

Enemas. Colonic. Cleanse.

In all their varieties...

I don't remember them all, but one, I do.  I am not going to lie, Y'all.  I am offended.

Someone decided this was a treatment for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's wasteful; I tell you.  Someone got drunk and said, "Hey, it's 6 months until daybreak, and this stuff's gone cold.  I have an idea!"

I would never have guessed unless I had read it in the pages of a book (Wait until Levar hears about this!).


That's not where it belongs.


 Sorry, I don't know what got into me...but I can tell you what didn't.