You guys gave me the wake-up call in the form of "I was terrible to my parents." And "That's how I remember not to get mad."
I am responsible for a lot of what shaped these children. If they are mean, or if they don't realize when they are being deceived by others, is it because I haven't been tender enough?
I really had to think about that later.
They tried to throw down again at lunch time yesterday, because the most recent third party (mean girl), called on the phone and I told her that we were sitting down to lunch and it wasn't a good time. On Tuesday. At, like, 1:30.
The Divas got their backs up and took attitude with me that I needed to just get myself back on the phone and tell the girl that they just wouldn't be allowed to speak to her.
You said, What?
Yes, THEY told ME.
Short memories that they seem to have, I let them know that the bottom line here was that there is not need to tell someone you are pulling back from a destructive friendship when you are 14. They will get the hint. If not, I will keep everyone so busy with details that it is a non-issue and then we are off for a month and in that time, perhaps she will find another project.
But it is still rolling around in my head....
1) These kids always say someone else is there causing trouble.
2) The person is always treating them as less than as valuable as themselves.
3) They always seem to take it. And go back for more.
4) Do all teens do this?
5) Someone recently asked me if my girls feel free to say, "No." And I had no answer. I didn't know. It was my first order of business that day.
6) How did we get here?
The only conclusion I can reach is that I have failed to give them true self-respect. I don't want to wait until someone gets destroyed. These small things are the tremors before the fault line shatters. The trail of smoke that goes up before the eruption.
Am I the only one who takes my kids seriously?
I see meaner kids than mine all the time. Homeschooled, "Christian", and ....mean. Not just the ones who've gotten lead roles in a post.
I am the main example they have had. Have I taught them to allow others to treat them disrespectfully and not to draw back in pain from ill-treatment? Not to think of the feelings of others except momentarily or based on my own experience of the same? Or do all children go through a stage when they treat the world like their toilet?
Fortunately, my friend has showed me the grace of Christ. Nothing is more effective for empowering one to do business with themselves. I hope I can pass it along to the Divas.
Thank you for listening to this wildness. Yes, the girls know I have a blog. It is protecting them from having a very tense Mama right now. They don't like being busted out on blog or IRL.
"[People] think we are bad people."
No, Baby, people laugh, because we all go through the journey of learning to be civilized. Their kids are doing it too. Or they know they did the same kind of thing when they were your age.
Don't get me wrong. They have grown by leaps and bounds. I am just getting freaked out that this is the 'high center' that we are all caught on. Why not wanting to be something you are no good at? Oh yeah. We haven't found that yet. It's going to be relationships. Crud.
Looking inside me. Blah.
6 comments:
Well, I have boys so we're not dealing with "mean girls" but my 12 year old has developed the biggest attitude and I too am constantly questioning my parenting abilities. And trying to remember what it was like to be 12!
Oh sweet girls, we do NOT think you are bad. We think we have been there and want so much for you than we wanted for ourselves.
I think the lesson of valuing ourselves more than others do is one that has to be learned, but can not be taught. I know that makes no sense. We can talk and talk and talk and talk, but until we are HEARD all of the talk doesn't matter, and sometimes it takes pain before someone is willing to listen. In other words, keep preaching, but somethings have to be learned the hard way.
I kinda had a somewhat destructive, or basically an unhealthy relationship with a girl when I was back in school.
She was much, much wilder than I ever was. And she tended to do that peer pressure stuff so if she got caught, she didn't go down in flames alone.
I never fell for it. Kept seeing my parents faces in my mind because I always got caught anytime I even thought of stepping over the edge.
As soon as a new boyfriend came along, she didn't know my name. Then the boyfriend disappeared, and we were friends again.
Mom kept telling me exactly how it was but it never sank it. Or at least I never showed it. Because, I mean WE WERE FRIENDS. "She'd NEVER do me wrong, MOM."
I never allowed myself to admit to seeing her for who she is and how she was using me as a quick fix. I knew what she was doing, just didn't want to admit it.
Even though they may not act like they hear what you're saying...they do. And they're paying more attention and it's sinking in more than you think.
Being there is the best thing you can do for them. I've always talked with my girls about their friends. I want to know what they see, what they like etc.
I spent one year focusing on one son to "make his needs known" because he was an emotional stuffer, not wanting to rock the boat. The second one did enough rocking. He needed to learn to fight for himself.
My second one, well, I created 26 unconditional love rules over a 1 year period - to encourage my faith in God's plan for his life. Dealing with outside forces who do not go by the inside rules is so challenging and each personality deals with those issues better. Teaching them to deal with those issues gives them training wheels before they have to do it totally on their own.
You are in tune to their needs. You have discerned a new curriculum to add at this period - and that is what a good mom does.
One of the things I have learned is that parenting is not pretty - or rather sometimes our children are not perfect in their growing up. It is not necessarily about parenting - it is about the individual and how they learn to handle all these growing up things. I'm getting ready to do a "Bad Boy" series of the bible's bad boys - who God pursued, God favored - but He knew that sometimes things would have to get ugly before they would get beautiful! Sometimes a teen has to learn the hard way.
Keep up the focus like a laser-beam on them - and keep up the faith! They will be awesome!
It is SO hard to be a teenager..even more so today than when I was a teenager. I don't think you have failed. AT ALL! I think all kids go through some sort of this phase.
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