Valentine's Day Emergency

I have the thing that is going around; however, because I hope to impact the world for good before I die I am keeping the life support plugged in long enough to save your Valentine's Day and possibly your relationship.

Men, I am referring to you.

Statistically, we know there is an inverse relationship between length of time you have been in a relationship and the amount of time you spend planning Valentine's Day.  The longer you have been together, the less thought you give to stoking the fire.  Is it because you get smarter, funnier, better dressed, more thoughtful, and sexier every 365 days?

I think not.

With a few glaring exceptions, you got lazy.  She takes care of everything else and you forgot this is on YOUR list.  Along with taking out the garbage and...  Well, that's about it.

Today, you Fortunate Bassmaster, is your lucky day.

With my assistance, you will go down in history as Valentine's Day Guy and radically increase your chances of getting lucky.

ACCIDENTALLY BY DESIGN GUIDANCE ON HOW TO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE SHAFT THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

1)Flowers.  Dear God In Heaven Above, know who you are dealing with.  There are exactly two kinds of women.
--The first type is: "Dozen Long Stem Red Roses" type.  She expects her flowers in addition to whatever else you are doing.  Like the Christmas Tree at Christmas, this is the symbolic requirement and by no means all that is expected.  You do it to show her you are paying attention. She doesn't want daisies, carnations, or tulips.  Get. It. Right.
--Everyone else is the second type.  Our flowers must relate to who we are as a person.  If we can plant the bulb out in the yard later or if our flowers are in a framed print, flowers speak to us in our hearts.  Even if we are allergic and can't have them in the house.  Lucky man indeed who is in a relationship with a Daisy or a Tulip girl.
 2) Perfume.  We live in truly shocking times.  The classics are fall by the wayside as starlets on their way to rehab allow their name to adorn stuff that smells like a sanitary puck.  This is not your problem.  Your task is to find something that smells great and doesn't remind you of your mom.  If you don't know her favorite, go for a scented candle or bubble bath or a gift card to S*phora or something .  Like "Your Song", do this right and you will make your life easier.  Forever.  No pressure.
 3) Candy. Hooray for candy.  Does she love the "heart shaped box" and the crap shoot of finding a good one in the midst of the weird?  Go for it.  If you had started earlier, you might have ordered specially written candy conversation hearts. Since you didn't, I recommend the candy store at the mall and filling a clear container with bulk candy.  Her favorite.  Not yours. 
 4) Jewelry.  Unless you are buying an engagement ring or already married, you are setting your self up for trouble.  Earring boxes and ring boxes look too much alike.  If she is expecting a ring and gets a bracelet...that sucks.  Seems like dangerous territory to me, but I am not a jewelry girl. If you have a jewelry girl and have been in the relationship any amount of time, your needs are beyond the scope of this blog post.
5) Practical gifts.  Depends. You want out?  My dad once bought my mom an over under shotgun for her birthday.  He got a gun and out of the relationship.  Win-win for him.  Other gifts to avoid may include but are not limited to:  small kitchen appliances, exercise equipment, tickets to watch YOUR team, fishing tackle (even if she says it is what she wants; this is Valentine's), over under shotguns.
6) Cards, handwritten letters.  Mandatory.   READ THE CARD.  If you can cop to what is written there, you are in business. If you can't be bothered to read the card.  Hand write the letter yourself.  It doesn't have to be long.  It has to be true. Does not include texts, email, e-cards, fb wall posts, or tweets. If you think you rock because thousands of other people listened in to your innermost feelings, you are too young to have a valentine. 
7)  Lingerie.  Only if she will be proud to wear it.  If you will never see it again, why bother.  Me?  I like nice warm socks.
8)  Economy Sucks?  Time is money, Hondo.  Start earlier.  Use your imagination.  Make her life easier.  Arrange for a reliable sitter yourself.  Clean the house. Cook the dinner. Wash the dishes.  Let her hold the remote. If Hershey and Hallmark are still in business, so are you.
9) Under no circumstances should you tell her what you wanted to do but didn't have enough time.  If there was no question of Valentine's Day being canceled this year, you have had 365 days.  Don't. Tell.

Hurry up, Valentine's Day is not a day for anyone to go without.

Go.  Now.  While there is still time.