I shudder to think of the times I am wasting. Shut up in the house, irritating my kids. "Smearing around; making messes" (this is one of the phrases my children will use to imitate me at some point). Underachieving. Be honest. You can tell.
I follow Anna See's, An Inch of Gray. Last week she lost her son. I hadn't been there much, because she is a phenomenal writer and ethereal. I fee like a poser.... okay, yeah. I already covered that. He was 12. She posted what she had read for his funeral. It was gorgeous. Lavish.
I realized if my child were swept away tomorrow, I couldn't write such a post.
My husband had just finished telling me about a guy he knew when he was in high school, who has accomplished such a lot in his life. His website says his resume reads like a fairy tale.
No one ever expected anything of me, and I have not disappointed. I am dissatisfied. I feel I have missed the mark. "It is amazing what you have been able to acheive, coming from such dysfunction."
No. People have come from worse circumstances than I did and done much greater things. I have missed the mark. Scripture says:: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Nothing is impossible with God. All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.
I have to figure out how to do what I am supposed to be aimed at. I am moved to know my kids better. We made a good start today. I am going to start the household projects I have been putting off. We have to live here, this isn't a rest stop on the highway of life(though it was smelling like one when the weather was hot). I want it to be a place of refreshing for a traveler on the way. Not a truck stop. More like the Inn at Blackberry Farm. Well, since I am starting from zero, somewhere in between. Actually, that was my dream as a kid. For my house to be a destination. Where people would just show up and hang out. Drink tea. Crash if necessary.
In a few weeks, I will have lived in this house longer than I have lived in any place. Five years and five months. Sometime in late October. Maybe that's why I had that vision of home while I was so little.
I don't really know what I am trying to say. I use the blog to think through things. We only go around once. We don't know how long it's gonna last. We need to live like there is no tomorrow. I want to do things differently. Be more present. Have no regrets.
~just got up and groused with a child over something stupid~
Am I even qualified? Will I just disappoint again? Which things are important? Where do I focus my energy? How much do I let them lead(cell phones all around!!!) and how much do I just lay it out there for them to appreciate someday when they are grown..?
"Her everyday life read like a fairy tale."