3.10.2011

Don't Tempt Me!!!

I am generally not a bare naked blogger, where I let it all hang out about my life circumstances and my joy and pain and medical needs and romantic disappointments escapades.  More and more I find that if I am going to move forward with the blog (and the cheap substitute for desperately needed therapy, it provides) I do have to be a little more candid.

Ima vent.

We used to live in a major city.  Gigantic house, for which we paid practically nothing.  Great relationships.
We now live in what I consider a small city. It considers itself 'whatever-will-make-you-love-it'. Doesn't meet the definition of 'urban'.  We lived here right after Mr. S. graduated college and moved to be nearer to family after the kids came along(learned a lot...like, 'family' is 'who has your back'). Through a series of circumstances, we moved back here in 2006.

Since then.

Dance Camp... My kids excluded from play at "free time" because of skin color.  Teacher's reply, "Some babies are born yellow; some people turn green when they are seasick. Some people are blue when they are not getting oxygen. So, you just happen to be black."  Official line to me, "We can't dictate what is taught in this child's home.  We are sorry for your daughters' experience and hope you won't hold it against us."

Private School... My kids got put back a grade because of a math placement test.  They consistently had a hundred average and I was asked to speak to my children about slowing down in their work so that they didn't have so much free time in class. Again, skin color was not a non-issue in class.  (Our fault for having been involved in a cross-cultural church before we moved and the girls really didn't realize that skin color is a dividing line.  Fortunately, the schools are willing to teach values that are not taught at home.)

The Job... We had been back just about two and a half month, when a mom at the pool, asked me how was my husband liking his job.    As I considered how to answer, I realized hated his job and was trying to be the grown-up and give it a chance.  I told her I would have to ask because I didn't know.  She looked right in my heart, and was as horrified as I was.  She's cool that way.

I think there has not been one day that the job has been awesome. My husband's personality is changed.  I think he is seriously depressed.  He is like a man in chains.  For fifteen of the last twenty months he has taken a 25% cut in salary in order to help the firm survive.  I am trying to teach the children that we need to be grateful Daddy has a job. We would be equally grateful for the ordeal to be over.

Digression, the first: One of the partners said, "People who blog are morons," when I had been blogging about 9 months.  I did not flip her off tell her she is number one. One day, I will send her a link.

The House...historic.  Flipped by folks who had clearly never lived in a site-built/stick-built single family dwelling.  We were going to renovate/restore it.  WITH WHAT FREAKING TIME WHEN THE JOB DEMANDS HIS SOUL?  'Nuff said?  No.  We believed the drug house across the street would be swept away in the gentrification of the area.  But, no.  The non-resident homeowner makes more in a month than anyone is willing to give him for the property.

Digression, the second: We found out that our house was the scene of horrendous child abuse. A little girl used to crawl out on the roof to cry, so they would not hear her.

Why...Had we remained in the other city, we would not have our son*.  That, in itself, is a miracle story.  Miracles are made out of hard work and letting go.  We got the lesson...sometimes what looks like a terrible accident(clearly, you 'screwed the pooch' were mistaken.) is really accomplishing God's design(bringing orphans into families.  Trials make us more mature if we let them).

Last week, our best friends, whom we left behind when we moved, told us they may be moving three hours away.  I failed to rejoice with them. Or even for me.  In my selfishness, all I could see was that they get to start fresh with a clean slate.  They are getting the only thing I want in the world.

What would it take for me to pick up and move?

Boxes.

This post was written due to the very welcome inspiration provided by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.  Everyone is welcome to participate.


Mama’s Losin’ It


*or a lot of other really great things like being a doula, the girls success in track,  or my dog.



10 comments:

Lizz said...

Wowsers. I obviously don't know all of your story, except for what you've shared here. My heart breaks for your babies, and I know what it's like for a husband to have a soul-sucking job... how it can just, well, suck.
Thanks for posting, and I look forward to reading more in the future!
#WritersWorkshop @libismorgan

Jennifer said...

Ah... so much I want to comment.

1) The girls, it makes me so mad that someone made them feel less than because of the color of their skin when in truth they are so much more than the person that did that to them.

2) The job, I feel bad for you, but even worse for him. It is awful to work at a job that you hate and sucks the soul out of you, but you know you have to get up and go every day anyway. I know. I've been there.

3) You, I'm sorry you guys are going through all of this, and I pray that gets better. Sometimes you just have to wade through the bad so that you can float in the good.

LBDDiaries said...

Pssst, listen, I'm a firm believer of act now repent later. Want me to go visit that stupid, moronic teacher, take her to a back alley and have a little "chat" with her?? NO NO just kidding. I really don't believe that but it sure would come in handy sometimes. And nothing knocks the props out from under a man than having a soul-sucking job; good thing he has a life-giving family! Visiting from SITS & gonna check out your other posts!

accidentalsouthernmama said...

My husband was in a similar position with his job, the depression, etc. He literally was ill every morning over the thought of having to go into work. He got an opportunity in TN, I told him to take the job! All it took was boxes. Big ((HUG)) to you!

Jenna said...

I hear you. My heart hurts for you. I am glad you decided to pour your heart out in this first visit I have made to your blog. I am sorry things are so hard, and that you often, honestly, have to look hard to be grateful and see beauty. I hope circumstances change, and soon. Love to you, from the mamakat linkup. @frelle

Heidi said...

wow - you've had some mountains to climb AND have been wandering in the valley for quite a while, friend. focus on and pursue things that give you HOPE.

said a prayer for you and your family today...

:)

~h

grownupforeal said...

Pour it out Maggie. That which does not kill you makes you stronger!

Ok, the skin color thing almost made me push my laptop off my lap. There is nothing worse.

Keep your head up if for no reason than your husband needs you to. Be strong for him and everything will work itself out.

And keep blogging.

Penelope said...

I used to be part of mama kat's forum when I was trying to get pregnant!

Jennifer said...

Aww Maggie, your post made me feel terrible for you and your family. I say pack up and move. Come to California. Heck where I'm at you see tons of kids with gorgeous brown skin. I will send you some tape for your boxes if you want. My husband worked at a job he hated for 4 years, we were so blessed when he found another job.
And people who don't blog just don't get how great it can be. Keep blogging friend.

Jennifer said...

oh, p.s. thanks for the encouragement on my post about my shop. Also you can send me as many recipes as you like.